Recession, Rolls-Royce Style: Driving the Phantom Coupe

Much of the news of today is consumed with headlines of economic doom and stock market snafu. Hardly a day goes by when one does not open the paper to read in big, bold typeset “Dow plunges,” or “Billion-dollar bailout.” Like most people affected, I do not have the faintest idea as to what the hell is going on.  From what I could scrape together, it seems back in the early 2000’s, some plump politicians on Capitol Hill passed a law that enabled poor people to buy expensive houses which they could not afford.  The wolfish mortgage companies, all run by a cabal of lobbyists in glorious cahoots with the mad men on the Hill, saw an opportunity to make money selling their money, and thus gave their money to people who were fiscally unable to pay back the money they bought.  Ultimately, these big companies with childlike names collapsed. The dodgy debt they accumulated did not go away, however.  After it was repackaged in various funds with important-sounding names, it was sold to others, who sold it to others, much like a hot potato, and eventually, this plethora of debt ballooned like a Tsar Bomba of Banking, causing the people in power suits residing within the shiny skyscrapers of New York City to seriously consider taking up the ancient discipline of hara-kiri.  Something like that.

This may be a moot point to those who know me, but I am not one to complain about my own affairs, especially when it comes to writing checks with my name on them.  I especially felt less inclined to protest when a man freely handed me the keys to a new Rolls-Royce Phantom Coupe.  Suddenly, the weight of recessions and financial apocalypses was lifted from my shoulders, and I could feel the liquidity being pumped into my brain.

Nevertheless, the sheer presence of such an opulent, fantastically expensive automotive delicacy burned the flesh of my soul, because while the Rolls’ slitty, smug eyes were staring at mine with cold calculation, I was consumed with sympathy and guilt about blue-collar Joe the Riveter’s job security at the Chevy Tahoe plant.  In my mind, driving a Buckingham Palace on wheels, built by artisans in a bunker in England, was quite possibly the most un-American thing I could be doing at that moment.  The sensation of guilt was simply overwhelming.  In these dire economic times, when bread lines are apparently right around the corner, is it really moral and patriotic to be driving such a machine?  Should I turn the keys back over to the RR rep?

Well, I didn’t do that.  I reluctantly took the beautifully crafted fob, stroked it with my thumb as it lay in the palm of my hand, relished the sensation, and then walked towards the Coupe.

Its appearance is proper Rolls-Royce, despite the contemporary tweaks by parent company BMW.  The Coupe is tall, stately, elegant; standing with monarchial authority and royal poise.  This particular unit was dark grey, one of 44,000 different hues for the fortunate client to choose.  The hood, or “bonnet” as they say across the pond, was brushed aluminum, a rather retro-futuristic touch which brings to mind the dreamy spaceship designs of 1960’s comic books and “Thrilling Wonder Stories.” The iconic Spirit of Ecstasy ornament rises out of the Parthenon grille electronically when beckoned.  The headlights are thin strips of intensely brilliant LEDs. These little details combine to form a cool mixture of cutting-edge electric parade and old-school British motorcar.

The exterior as a whole, as defined by lines, contours and bodywork, is a bit more restrained and defined by recent precedent.  The designers, who are mostly Germans from owner BMW, give the Coupe the exact same linear updates as its immediate predecessor, the Drophead Coupe, which is essentially a Coupe without a solid roof.  Nothing too angular and sharp, and not too smooth as to break or bend the sweeping line of definition that stretches from bow to stern.

Yes, it is reasonable to describe the Coupe in nautical terms, as its general appearance is much like a yacht, and rightly so.  Rolls Royce labels the Coupe as a grand tourer, a yacht for terra firma, a vehicle for luxurious trips of considerable length, where the driver and passenger should feel comfortably sealed off from the suffocating heat, noxious fumes, loud noise, and general seediness of the modern highway.  You do not leave on a simple road trip to your destination. You embark on a voyage of impeccable service and luxury.
Yet for all its marvelous grandeur, the Rolls does not come across as brash, vulgar, or gout-inducing.  Too many baubles and kitschy bits might have spoiled the understated coolness of the Coupe.  Instead, Rolls has kept its secrets hidden beneath the body work, only rising the occasion when the owner demands its service.  Thus, when you drive along, you do not feel entirely flashy.  The Coupe is cool.

Nevertheless, you get a slight impression that if class warfare was analogous to World War I, driving the Coupe down your street would be assassinating the Archduke.  Despite its coolness, it still looks like nothing else on the road; people know its a Rolls-Royce.  You do not want to drive the Coupe if you are not ready to flaunt just a tiny bit.  In these difficult economic times, flaunting a car that costs over $450k felt, well, wrong. However, for the sake of journalistic integrity, yours truly decided to suck it up and deal with it.  Carry on.  Let’s try out the cabin.

The interior is, needless to say, a masterpiece of luxury.  Nothing on earth is quite like the cabin of a handmade British luxury car. You instantly feel like you have entered the smoking room at the Reform Club, or the den of a Government House somewhere in the old British Empire. It doesn’t matter whether you are in Singapore, Bombay, or Cairo: you can always find a comfortable, luxurious place of rest & victuals that will remind you of home at Saville Row. This is the magic of Rolls-Royce luxury: it feels inviting, warm, and personal anywhere in the world, in a distinctly British way.

Thankfully, when BMW took over RR, they declined to bring over the sleek, futuristic, “tai chi” sort of luxury that currently defines every German and Japanese “luxury car” on the market.  Instead, they kept with tradition.  Every button need not be low profile, and sunk into the dash. What’s wrong with keeping the classic organ stops that adjust the air con vents? The steering wheel need not be fat and contoured. Take a gander at how thin, delicate, and circular that helm is! The console need not rise up to meet your hands. Make an old-school statement, and make the control panel perpendicular to the floor for God’s sake. The controls definitely need not be so complicated as to delay a journey by half an hour because you are trying to tell your transmission how to behave.  Adjust a handle, three-on-the-tree style, to put it in D, R, N and P.  And why not throw in a glimmering, fiber-optic star-field for a ceiling? Pure, simple brilliance.

Those newfangled German and Japanese interiors are all cold, impersonal, and technologically mind-boggling. In the Rolls, you don’t need to set up, customize, initiate, arrange, and schedule anything your car is about to do.  That’s all taken care of for you; you just sit back and enjoy the ride. The Coupe is, indeed, an automotive reincarnation of Phileas Fogg’s trusty manservant Passepartout from Around the World in 80 Days: you just focus on the joys of your adventure, while your trusty butler makes sure the hotel is confirmed for tonight, and your luggage arrives on time.  Confirming reservations is one thing the Coupe doesn’t do, but you know what I mean.

The Coupe is powered by the same whopping V12 that Rolls used in its other models, the Phantom, and the Phantom Drophead.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  In the Coupe, the engine powers out 453 horsepower, which does not sound so impressive when Mercedes and BMW are churning out engines that produce up to 600 horsepower.  However, when you consider that it weighs 5700 lbs and still gets to 60 mph in under six seconds, you realize what a thunderous, aerospace-grade brute the Coupe really has under the bonnet.  In the world of Rolls, there will be no lack of insufferable power. Say “power” with a deep-sounding, Clarksonian voice.  Are you feeling it?

The first thing I noticed while driving the Coupe was its slightly stiff ride quality, a potentially fatal flaw for a Rolls-Royce.  However, when I mean “stiff,” I mean when compared to the Phantom saloon.  The Coupe’s shocks still feel like they are made of butter from the milk of cows raised on the slopes of Mt. Olympus, and churned by Cherubim.  When you give it some throttle, the angelic nature of the car’s chassis allows it to ease into its stride, within any sort of urgent noise or commotion.  You here a distant, yet wonderfully satisfying thrum coming from the engine bay, and the seats seem to gingerly caress your fat American buttocks with slightly more pressure.  Then the world outside goes backwards in time, the “Power Reserve” needle smoothly tracks up the dial, and you speed towards the horizon with only the soft sensation of forward motion.  Magic.

Trying to be Smart

I think my editor has some personal vendetta against yours truly that I am not aware of.  The evidence is pretty damning: he chuckles every time I get miffed about something, purposely assigns me to drive the cars he knows cause me trouble, and sends me on overseas assignments at the moment when I am least inclined to go abroad.  Apparently I produce better work when I am in dire straits.  So he says.  Does this count as abuse?

Here is the grand quandary: I know he does it for the benefit of the Publication.  It’s just my bad luck that what is best for the Publication happens to be what is generally bad for me.  The best writing I do is not when I’m under pressure, or when I’m excited to be an intrepid reporter, or when I’m being repressed by the violence inherent in the system.  I write the best simply when I have a thick frown.  My editor knows this, and goes to great lengths to keep my frown consistent and my feathers ruffled.

Case in point: “Hey, J-, I’ve got a beat for ya.  Here’s the keys to a 2009 Smart ForTwo.  Drive it for a week.”

Now I have tolerance for most cars.  Cars are not like people. They don’t do things that make you hate them because they can’t do anything.  They are inanimate objects, so therefore, it is not their fault if they are grade-A pieces of flying cow-pie.  Thus cars have an innocence about them: you can’t hate a car if it is bad, you can only hate the people who made it that way.

With the Smart ForTwo, there is something about its sneering little face and miserable scrotum-like shape that develops within me an irrational hatred towards it.  It is the epitome of an automotive gimmick.  No matter what the boffins and clueless mainstream media buffoons say, its fuel economy is not spectacular, and when it does drink, it demands spicy premium.  Cha-ching.  So can we stop with the green argument and actually talk about it as a car?  It is not made from biodegradable young saplings, and it does not shit artesian spring water.   It’s got seats and a steering wheel, and a little motor that puts out carbon dioxide like all the rest.  It is NOT special.

And that is the reason why I dislike the Smart.  Slick marketing and an undeniably noticeable presentation has rendered the Smart a cultural icon without any sort of meat or background to back it up.  The Smart is sort of an automotive incarnation of Barack Obama.

Walking out of the Publication’s humble offices and seeing your assignment parked next to a brand-new Dodge Challenger SRT8 tester is a demoralizing experience rivaling the realization that you’ve lived your entire life in the Matrix.  Every great accomplishment you have achieved in life was part of a simulation; it never happened.  I personally felt like all my years of journalistic experience, the misery I put up with for the sake of my craft, had all been in vain.   Opening the plastic door of that Smart had to be the greatest anti-climax of my life.  I was prepared to give the most biased, one-sided, dishonest, personally-motivated opinion of my entire career.

Wow, this thing has a lot of room inside.  The first thought that went through my mind was positive, so that’s no good.  I should have been complaining.  Okay, let’s fire up this guinea pig of a motor.  Oy, it sounds pitiful.  Memories of the unmistakable clatter of the old Volkswagen Beetle’s air-cooled “engine” came to mind.  The Smart I was driving was the base “Pure” model, MSRP $11,990, and had about as many bells and whistles as a wooden plank.  Considering the state of the financial world at this time, twelve grand for a car the size of a Roma tomato seems like wishful thinking on the part of Daimler’s bookkeepers.  This “Pure” had the standard 1 liter 3-cylinder gasoline, which runs on (remember this one, folks?) premium fuel.   That’s right.  The “fuel efficient, green” car of the year runs on the expensive stuff.   That is properly batty.

The idea for the Smart was originally dreamt up by the Swiss watchmakers Swatch, back in the early 1990’s.  Spearheaded by Swatch CEO Nicholas Hayek, the designs and plans to create the ultimate, efficient city car were shopped around to various manufacturers.   General Motors shunned the idea as being potentially unprofitable. (And that was back when GM stock was worth more than your 5-year old’s milk money!)    Volkswagen wanted in, but had to back out just as fast;  their financial situation at that time was too dire to take up the hefty new idea.  Finally, in 1994, it was Daimler-Benz who agreed to build the “Swatchmobile” in purpose-built “Smartville” in Hambach, France.

In 1998, after its debut at the Frankfurt Motor Show in 1997, the first Smart ForTwo rolled off the assembly line, greatly modified from Hayek’s original vision.   The biggest change was Mercedes’ scrapping of the “super-super-super eco-friendly” part of Swatch’s plan.  Instead, the Smart got a petrol engine. A small petrol engine, mind you, but a petrol engine nonetheless. Not so innovative, especially for the Swiss.  They did not like it.  Heavy losses and disputes did not help, either, and the joint venture between watchmaker and carmaker had to end.  Daimler has since held the Smart phenomenon close to their bosom, and over the last ten years, coaxed it forward into the world automotive theater.  Now the Smart is available in North American markets such as Canada, Mexico, and the US; and most recently, Daimler AG has introduced the car to Asian markets: China, Japan, and Taiwan.

It is all well and fine, this expansion.  Yet the amateur economist in me cannot figure out one market: North America.  The reason why the demand for the Smart is so high in Europe is because street in Europe is a precious commodity.  Centuries of urban build-up has rendered the classic European city a no-man’s land for most vehicles of American proportions.  Rome is literally ancient, and I do not think the Caesars had Citroens and Alfas in mind when they were building the Eternal City’s byways and highways.  Neither did the Anglo-Saxons consider queues and traffic patterns when they were building out London.  In the New World, city planning was used, streets were mapped, roads were laid all from scratch.  America’s transportation infrastructures are comparatively young to those in the Old World.

As population increases, the amount of road in Europe does not, therefore it is necessary for cars to decrease in size to be able to utilize what road Europe has left.  Here in the grand old US of A, we have lots of space to build extra-wide parking spaces and extra-wide interstates.  Main Street USA is one big wide swath of beautiful, jet-black, steaming asphalt.  We are the nation of the great American highway, the Route 66s, the interstates.  We have roads leading in and out of our arses.  So who needs a Smart?

Pleasant thoughts like this ran through my head as I puttered down a massive street in southern California.   The car was just too damn small.  I could do a bloody u-turn without leaving my lane.  Also, I had a feeling that I would look better in the car if I had a paper bag over my head.  Just for anonymity’s sake.

Get Green NOW: America’s Energy Hysterics

(Author’s Note to my Faithful 3 Readers: This is my vain attempt at an actual newpaper-ish column. If it’s too political, don’t worry. I will get back to writing weird car stories in the very near future.)

Because I love cars, I hope that the future of transportation is in personal transportation.  I say this with less confidence than I would like, as the latest fad in the world of “environmental responsibility” is the frantic, frenzied search for anything that will replace the automobile.  This is a result of America being indoctrinated into thinking that oil is the cause of all our problems.  Few other energy sources have been demonized as much as oil.

When we think of oil, we have been conditioned to instantly think of lard-chinned, whiskey-slugging, steak-munching, cigar-puffing, foul-mouthed, rifle-toting, fat-cat oil men who buy out Republican congressmen and then go on a hunting trip with other men wearing ten-gallon hats where all they do is talk about how much fun corruption is.  Then there is the other image of the oil man: a sinister-looking Arab driving a Bugatti Veyron across the desert at 190 mph, wearing a white sheet and a pizza parlor table cloth around his head, planning in his head a new billion-dollar hotel complex to erect in the desert.

These irrational stereotypes are immature, fueled by a media-driven society where consumers are cajoled to come to conclusions quickly and visually, with the least amount of research and care possible. When a news source like CNN announces a poll of “young people” who say Obama is “cooler” than McCain, there is something deeply wrong.  CNN is manufacturing news out of a fantastically ridiculous and pointless poll, and the said poll makes the frightening observation that young people are incredibly shallow when it comes to politics.  The same effect is happening on the world of energy.

Media has convinced America that something must be done immediately- right now- right this second- about alternative energy.  Forget about whether it is actually possible.  The hard truth is that as of right now, true “alternative energy” is still decades away from mainstream.  Sure, scientists are hard at work, but you won’t be seeing highways full of hydrogen-powered cars for many many moons.  In fact, most of us will be dead by the time “green energy” becomes a proper reality.

“In fact, most of us will be dead by the time ‘green energy’ becomes a proper reality.”

Big automotive corporations the world over have tried desperately to make themselves look green by running slick, beautifully-produced commercials with CGI beauty shots of their super-efficient concepts driving through fields of impeccably green grass and crystal-clear air.  Ahh, the wonderful world of marketing.  It’s too bad that reality is so much dirtier.  It’s even sadder when you think of the millions of television-watching Americans who latch on to that vision and expect to see a Chevy Volt in their driveway the next morning.  Hold on, you mean GM isn’t coming out with the Volt until 2010? What an evil, earth-killing, money-hogging corporation they are! I’m voting for Obama!

Or how about the slew of spots ExxonMobil ran during the Olympics?  Honest-looking scientists monologued about how they were making the world a better place.  Oh, Exxon.  Do we truly hate you that much?  And do you think our cold, liberal, environmentalist hearts would be warmed by your anguished attempts at public relations?  And who told you we were all cold, liberal environmentalists? Not all of us see you as the backbone of all that is evil.  Maybe it has not occurred to you that there may be some Americans who realize your massive profits are (1) some of the few signs of strength in our economy, and (2) go towards more efficient fuel production, which means more supply, which, thanks also to the apparent popping of the speculative bubble that had been pestering the oil market, means less pain at the pump.

Not that I underestimate the intelligence of America, but I think few would argue with the idea that the advertisements and marketing schemes only act as catalysts in causing the mass hysteria over energy, energy, energy.  Energy is one of those issues that has suffered greatly at the hands of politics’ taste for melodramatic irrationality.  Instead of listening to what our scientists are telling us, we are listening to what politicians, pundits, and TV commercials are telling us.  We must remember that those three sources of information have only popularity in mind, not science.  Absorbing buzz about energy from politicians, pundits, and TV commercials only leads to hysterical fits of earth-guilt and political capital for the candidate fortunate to be on hysteria’s side.

“Energy is one of those issues that has suffered greatly at the hands of politics’ taste for melodramatic irrationality.”

Take a step back and breathe, America.  The problem of new energy is not going to be solved by the media.  It is going to be solved by those who practice proper science, and science takes time. Until then, oil is the right choice and the only choice to keep our economy going until we can replace it.

California Nightmares

When I first laid eyes on the new Ferrari California, I was in my “newsroom,” which is essentially a dark corner of the kitchen where I plug in my Mac laptop and attempt to put two words together while not at the office.   I was in the middle of a great, long draught of crisp lemon Perrier when my car blog of choice loaded and Fezza’s wildly controversial creation came up on the screen.  Immediately, the citric fluid did an unceremonious 180 in my esophagus and came out backwards in a grand homage to Danny Thomas.  After wiping away the droplets of carbonated beverage from my screen, I was able to study the California with a little more serenity.

“It just does not make you willing to go to jail for spending 5 illegal minutes driving it.”

It’s not ugly.  But it’s not drop-dead gorgeous.  It just does not make you willing to go to jail for spending 5 illegal minutes driving it.  The cross-eyed headlamps speak <$30k Japanese convertible rather than $100k> Italian hot roadster.  The rear end is taller than the Burj Dubai.  The little “retro nods” to the Ferris Bueller-era California seem a bit cocked-up and forced.  And no matter how Ferrari labels it, it will always be the “starter kit” Ferrari, the poor man’s Ferrari.  The Ferrari for fat blokes who can’t afford an F430.

It all seems a rather daft attempt on Ferrari’s part.  Why did they lower the bar at such a high point in their company’s history? It almost seems (God help us) that Ferrari is turning all Porsche-ish and attempting to widen their model range to a size that reeks of ubiquity. Is Ferrari turning all greedy?  Are they compromising the brand for the sake of sales?  If so, the doomsday clock just sped up.

My brain was over-stewing, so I decided to stop pacing about the room casting keen glances at the picture of the car and go out to get an outsider’s opinion.  I headed down to my local barber shop of choice run by a full-blooded chap of Umbrian heritage (by way of New Jersey) named Berno.  Berno’s barber shop was unique in these parts, as it is one of the dying breed of true, authentic, shave-and-a-haircut barber shops.  At Berno’s, a man can sit around flipping through Road&Track and talk sports, cars, food, and occasionally politics with the other patrons.  At Berno’s, you won’t find a “stylist” named “Marcus” with his shirt unbuttoned more than necessary. You would never find stacks of Cosmo or Redbook at Berno’s. Instead, you will find stacks of meaty pasta cooked by Berno’s wife that is free to any patron who wishes to die and go to Italian cuisine heaven.

Berno made a pinched face at the picture of the California.  Then he made a classic Italian dubious shrug.  I could tell right off the bat that it far from a moment of bellissimo! That’s pretty much the mark of death for a Ferrari: a cool, hesitant reaction.

“Awh, man, It loohks like my bruthah’s Lexus!” says Berno.

At that moment, a ton of other Jersey expats in the shop stood up and demanded a look at the new Ferrari.

“AAAOOOWWWHHH!”
“It ain’t too bad.”
“Looks like a *beep*in Mazda!”
“Whot are you tawlkin’ about? That’s one hot *beep*in cah….”

A heated argument followed which nearly turned into a curb-stomping festival had it not been for my timely changing of the subject.  I was beginning to hate this bloody new Ferrari: it’s way too polarizing. This got me thinking.  (Oh God, no…)

Scientists say that a symmetrical face is a beautiful face.  Well-balanced proportions are the key; people find balance pleasant to look at.  Therefore, there must be a subtle yet universal standard for beauty.  Beauty is not in the eye of the beholder.  I believe from the bottom of my heart that there is a universal standard of beauty in car design.  There are some cars out there that nobody will denounce as “ugly.”  Aston Martin, for example, has never been in the same sentence as “ugly.”  Classic, old Ferraris and Alfa Romeos are also globally accepted as works of art of the highest calibre.  Likewise, there are cars which are so ugly they have single-handedly created their own class of curse words.  Many fugly cars include: the Pontiac Aztek, the AMC Gremlin, the Maserati BiTurbo, the first-generation Fiat Multipla, various rivet buckets built by British Leyland unionists in the 70’s, and all vehicles made by Ssangyong.  The bottom line is (1) there are beautiful cars, and (2) there are cars that should only be allowed on the street after they have been carefully wrapped in brown paper.

“I believe from the bottom of my heart that there is a universal standard of beauty in car design.”

The Ferrari California is far from the latter, but it is not at all the former.  It seems to have been stricken by Ferrari’s current dark valley of exterior design.  Mired in their technological brainstews, Ferrari’s deft skill at creating sexually exciting modes of transport has been, well… lost.  They have sold their soul to the devils of dedicated science and precision engineering, a demon which had previously only possessed the minds of German mechanics.  The California could have been a 2+2 sport coupe that blew its sisters, the Alfa Romeo 8C and the Maserati GranTurismo, out of the water.  Instead, connoisseurs and historians are more likely to remember the 8C as the piece de resistance of Fiat Group’s 2008-2010 V8 grand tourer generation.  How sad it is for a Ferrari to be forgotten in such a way.

As with most of my personal problems, I sought solace in the completely unsympathetic arms of my respectable Editor.  The old chap had sunk into his leather executive chair, contently chewing a Starburst and flipping through some technical data fresh off the skidpad for the new Mitsubishi Evo.

“I hate Mitsubishis,” I says.
“What’s wrong now?” says the Editor.

In a style strangely similar to going to confession, I poured out my crisis of faith in Ferrari. My editor nodded his head, and began to chew his Starbursts faster, and without as much relish.  When I had finished, he said on sentence:

“When we get one, you’re driving it.”

I stood up and left the room, leaving my editor in a fit of chuckling and choking of Starbursts. If he was not my boss, I would- oh, never mind.

To Love or Not Love Cars

I have a very dear friend who likes cars more than I do, but hardly knows a thing about them. She knows all the necessary truths: (1) Ferraris and Lamborghinis are hot Italians, (2) Aston Martins and Rolls-Royces are sub-zero cool, and (3) the McLaren Technology Centre really is the earthbound home of the Galactic Empire.  But when I make an effort to explain intricacies of the car industry other than the above points, she is hopelessly drowned in the puke of automotive gobbledygook that fountains out of my mouth like Mr. Creosote’s stomach contents.

And it’s all my bloody fault, because if I would only keep my festering journalist gob shut, my lovely friend could blissfully enjoy the beautiful semi-ignorance of knowing such basic facts about cars. There’s simply no need for the true car connoisseur to know that Saabs are made by General Motors and that car nerds the world over are climaxing over the fact that Audi is putting a V10 in the R8.

“Nothing is less pleasant than going to dinner and having to listen to a petrolhead spout off all night about the brilliance of the Nissan GT-R.”

This puts me into a bit of a tight spot, since I know more than I should about cars, and this brings one dangerously close to becoming a remarkably dull, fully-rigged, grade-A pillock that has no chance at ever having a wife and children that love him.  Why such strong language? Well, in my opinion, nothing is less pleasant than going to dinner and having to listen to some petrolhead spout off all night about the brilliance of the Nissan GT-R.  It’s like dining with a Porsche mechanic.  The massive dearth of personality there is so great that black holes usually form in such people.  No, not those black holes. Astrological black holes.  Great pinpoints of nothingness.  Such is the personality of a petrolhead.

The desire to have friends and be a normal person is a constant reminder that if I value my life, I better not bite off more car culture than I can chew.  But then I get all misty-eyed whenever I watch TopGear or read Peter Egan, and remember how fun being a car nerd is.  Do I sacrifice my personality to the autogods and become a willing slave to Things On Four Wheels? Or do I remain distant and loose my childhood sense of wonder whenever a Lamborghini drives by?

I see the discovery of middle ground in this war as my own personal quest for the Holy Grail.  How do I remain an honorable, intelligent fellow who appreciates automobiles without turning into a hopeless nimrod who mumbles all day about spanners and sequential gearboxes?

This quest has all sorts of grand and epic obstacles, yet the greatest one currently is my age.  For those of you who don’t know, most of the stuff I ‘blog’ about is all outrageous, pretentious fiction about my mild-mannered alter-ego, a world-weary globe-trotting motoring journalist who lives a glamorous, solid-gold existence in the south of California.  In real life, I’m a hopelessly pedantic student living in Florida, America’s graveyard with palmetto-lined boulevards.  Yes, it’s true.  Sorry to shatter your grandiose images of the Great Tarmac Philosopher.

“If only I wrote educated columns on politics, literature, poetry, and medicine rather than bootless gushings about Lamborghinis and Aston Martins, I might actually be able to call myself a success story of modern education.  But alas, it’s no use.”

The Tarmac Philosopher is, in essence, my online barf bag where I hurl my automotive nerdgasms so my friends and family don’t have to suffer.  Instead, I suffer silently, along with you, my beloved 3 readers, who suffer with me as I belly-flop into my petrol-filled imaginarium on a semi-weekly basis.  Okay, I don’t really suffer.  I actually enjoy spewing out The Tarmac Philosopher.  But at the same time, I have that nagging feeling in the back of my bulbous brain that what I write is as respectable as being the Greatest Paladin Ever in the World of Warcraft.  If only I wrote educated columns on politics, literature, poetry, and medicine rather than bootless gushings about Lamborghinis and Aston Martins, I might actually be able to call myself a success story of modern education.  But alas, it’s no use.

My mum is a perfect anecdotal example of why The Tarmac Philosopher is necessary for my well-being, even if it is a sorry method.  Driving in the car with her and having the first Jaguar XF I have ever seen drive by us is infuriatingly frustrating.  I point it out with all the youthful exuberance of a professional adolescent car-spotter, only to receive a lovingly supercilious and slightly perplexed expression of “so what?”

“So what? Jaguar’s revolutionary, messianic sedan just drove by, that’s what!”
“Oh.”

It doesn’t end there.  Most of my friends have the same innocent obliviousness towards cars, and the ones I know for certain find cars interesting are closet cases.  How can I tell? If I point out a particularly superb vehicle, they will glance at it for approximately 5 seconds longer than the disinterested friends.  Ah, good people! I understand your dilemma.

Ultimately, I have decided to remain cool and collected about my love for cars. I have decided to utilize it for the good of my future and my education, and hone my writing skills by continuing this futile blog.  As The Tarmac Philosopher evolves, I hope to expand my horizons a bit and apply what textbooks and teachers have taught me to the medium which I have chosen.  Personally, I don’t believe in the theory of evolution, but I do believe I can work a little intelligent design on my writing and my ability to convey ideas and emotions to my readers.  Stick with me, fellow car nerds!  Into the bright future we shall walk united and content, while speaking softly and carrying a big key fob.

The Great Lamborghini Thrash of 2008

As a lowly creator of letters and words that appear on a printed page, I have been greatly blessed with the absence of my bewildered face in any sort of the gossip media which is currently molesting the world. In other words, I am not a celebrity, and thank the good Lord.

Many naive bumpkins come to Southern California seeking the Hollywood dream: the dream of being on the cover of Esquire and Rolling Stone, acting glamorous on the small and silver screen, living beside swimming pools and movie stars, and coming in contact with millions of square feet of red carpet on a daily basis. Unfortunately, the cold reality is that life in Hollywood is all about constantly controlling what others think of you while being chased by parasitic life-forms toting cameras with big flash bulbs. Being a celebrity is down-and-dirty, uncomfortable, filthy, rotten, stinking, unpleasant, hideous work.

I know this because ever since I’ve had the only Lamborghini Gallardo LP560-4 in all of North America (at least I think so), the picture of me driving it is on every cameraphone’s SIM card from San Diego to Santa Barbara. To someone who enjoys anonymity, this is a terrifying prospect. The only consolation is that the people who took the pictures are hopefully all card nerds who could care less about the person driving it. They wouldn’t possibly be interest in me. *Sigh of Relief*

I still had to get out of town. I needed to escape in spectacular fashion. So I made an appointment at a top-secret undisclosed location in order to discover the new Gallardo’s darkest secrets under the safeguard of anonymity. Willow Springs International Raceway, a 2.5 mile circuit in the God-forsaken desert, is just a stone’s throw away from Edwards Air Force Base, where the Space Shuttle lands if it doesn’t fancy the humidity at Cape Canaveral. It’s the self-proclaimed “fastest road in the west,” and features a couple different road courses for variety, and also a large skid pad for heavy right feet. So it sounded like the prime location for some automotive violence, particularly a petrol-drenched version of the Running of the Bulls.

Enroute, I forced myself to think technical, and remembered some facts explained to me by Franz. One of the LP560-4’s many technical baubles the good German monologued about was the new fuel injection system, the Italian name of which I will not try to pronounce for my readers’ sakes. All I know is that it stands for an FSI direct injection system, and that meant more power. The new engine is also more powerful. There is more torque, which means more power. It has 32 more bhp, which means it has more power. Shall I go on?

As you can probably see, the LP560-4 is more powerful than previous Gallardos, and rightly so. This update should be more than just a facelift of a previous car; it should be a fresh, contemporary reflection of Lamborghini’s current nuclear shockwave of an expansion. To put it bluntly, it bloody well needs a few extra muskles.

It also needs to be better on the handling front. Sure, the old Gallardo did have four-wheel drive, but it still was monumentally distant from the revolutionary brilliance of the Ferrari F430. The Fezza had that unmistakably light, poised, ballet-slipper feel, which made it a joyous romp in the park to turn corners with. The Gallardo, by comparison, had chunky, less elegant manoeuvres, and was less fun to slide around corners. I liked the Gallardo a lot better because it was less serious than the Ferrari, and so I desperately wanted the new one to (1) still be a laugh, and (2) really give the serious Ferrari a run for its money. I was a man on a mission: to shatter Ferrari’s renown as the great drivers’ car of the world. I also wanted to have a das frikken’ blast.

I arrived at Willow Springs shocked at how rural the place was: some jet-black strips of asphalt winding around the desert. Absolute motoring nirvana. I started out on the main road course to gauge the power: the first thing I cared about. With launch control set, I compressed the right pedal with determination, and out came a symphonic roar that made Pavarotti suddenly sound like a sneezing rodent. Yes, it is essentially audiological sex. Ferraris may emit a melodious acoustical riff, but the Gallardo pounds out a heavy-metal thrash suitable for scoring Iron Man’s suit-up scene.

Its acceleration was also obscene: a convincing catapult that got me to 60 mph in 3.7 seconds. And then it kept on going and going, with seemingly no resistance from air, friction, or the laws of physics, thanks to the 31% more-efficient aerodynamics. This thing is a fish. A torpedo. An F22 Raptor. It is the undisputed king of the wind tunnel.

Sooner than expected, I encountered the first corner, and attempted to make power slide fun. But I suddenly realized this bloody thing had loads of grip. Midway through turning around the corner, I still had yet to hear tyres squealing. No tyre squeal in a Lamborghini? Bizarre. Must be that four wheel drive. Right after the apex, I was able to kick the tail out a bit with buttery ease. The car arrived safely on the other side of the corner with little to no drama at all. It was spectacularly tractable.

Accelerating out of the corner was wonderfully mellifluous, thanks to Lambo’s worthwhile tinkering with the previously-problematic E-Gear system. Now there’s not an excuse to settle for the manual. You would only get one if you were a stuck-up, snobbish “purist” who demanded a stick.

Perhaps the car as a whole still lacks the perfection of the F430, but it is noticeably better than the last Gallardo. Not that you’re going to be thoughtfully cogitating about such mind-fat while behind the wheel, because you will more likely have dinner-plate eyes, a mortally wounded self-confidence, and a mahogany-colored streak on the underside of your trousers. The LP560-4 is bone-crushingly fast, and nothing is better than discovering this on a super-long stretch of barren Death Valley tarmac. The Lambo was born for such thrashes. It was a very pleasant moment.

Grocery Shopping in a Lamborghini

It was a moment of sheer jubilation: I put the key into the brand-spankin’ new Lamborghini Gallardo LP560-4, the starter motor whirred, but failed to produce engine life. It was a lovely sound: the sound of a sputtering Lamborghini. An almost nostalgic sound, the sound of Lamborghinis past, the sound of Italian crapicity. This is Lamborghini as I remembered it. I almost teared on account of this surge of nostalgic happiness.

Suddenly, all that joyous love I suddenly had for the poor little Lambo left as the V10 suddenly sprang into healthy life. The engine was just cold and fresh; there was no problem at all. One thousand frown lines melted over the top of my sunglasses like batter overflowing out of a waffle maker. Damn Audi quality control. The trip to the grocery store would not be as fun as it seemed a couple minutes ago.

As if a non-broken Lamborghini wasn’t enough, another problem presented itself on the way to the local Wal-Mart, where yours truly is forced to buy bargain goods because he is a journalist. When I drove into the Wal-Mart parking lot, I was greeted with the usual crowd of old American sedans, minivans, and the myriad of Japanese compacts. These were my people. I felt at home here. However, the Gallardo looked as comfortable among these plebeians as a Baptist in St. Peter’s Basilica. It’s a car made for people who are paid more than money is worth, so I rethought my choice of shopping center and decided to throw down for once, and shop where all the jet-setters shop the short time they’re on the ground.

Whole Foods Market is the chic place to shop if you don’t mind paying pounds and pence for food that normally costs pence. Also, Whole Foods unfortunately makes a big deal out of being an environmentally friendly company, so driving into their parking lot with a Lamborghini sort of felt like driving a Hummer into the Coachella Music Festival with bullhorns on the roof playing “Hail to the Chief.” It felt dangerous. I was responsible for this extremely rare car, and could not afford to have celery and pink paint thrown at it. This called for stratēgery.

I parked next to an island so one side of the car would be facing a tree, which I hoped would not suddenly become a hostile environmentalist and set fire to the car. The other parking space was empty, so I positioned a couple empty grocery carts in it to discourage people from parking next to the holy Lambo. I nervously walked backwards into Whole Foods, not wanting to turn my back on the brand-new, first-in-the-US test car that Franz had entrusted me with.

A few minutes later, I exited Whole Foods, and almost dropped all my expensive victuals in horror. Some ponce had moved the carts and spitefully parked a filthy, greasy, rusted Volvo 240 station wagon in Fungus Green Metallic right next to my shimmering Lamborghini. Thankfully, after close inspection, not a spot of Volvo stink had blemished the Italian beauty’s skin. I then examined the Volvo, and discovered that its finish had a substantial outer layer of bumper stickers advertising for Greenpeace, PETA, Humane Society, the Earth Liberation Front and few other vegetabalist and ecotage organizations. Not surprisingly, I also received a friendly brochure under the Lambo’s windscreen wiper condemning me forever to Hades for symbolically clubbing baby whales to death by driving an earth-warming beast-car that ran on The Man’s oilish excrement, also known as gasoline. I would have kept interestedly reading, but the whiff of cannabis wafting from the shit-Volvo’s open window started to irritate my nose, so I neatly crumbled up the brochure, and left the parking lot in a billow of CO2 emissions.

Life in the Lamborghini had been a pleasant dawdle so far, and I decided that a celebration was in order. The local ice cream shop was open, and around this time of day, it would most certainly be crowded. It was another opportunity to brighten peoples’ days with the Gallardo’s crazy looks. As I pulled in as discreetly as possible, heads turned like motion-sensing CCTV cameras toward the razor-sharp profile of the Gallardo. I got out, answered a good volley of questions, signed autographs and made dates with several beautiful women. I made those last two up. What I really did was spend the time revving the engine and opening the doors to let curious eyes poke around the interior

I truly enjoy making these impromptu car shows. It feels like I’m bringing supercars to the masses, to people who can truly appreciate them for what they are: amazing machines that inspire, excite, and enthrall. Personally, I have never believed supercars belonged only to those who can afford them. Rather, supercars belong to the little 5 year old with the big grin on his face. They belong to the impish, sophomoric teenage skater blokes who think they are “totally rad.” They belong to the amateur auto enthusiasts who pine and geek out when they see an exotic car that actually works, unlike their Jag E-type project car which is in need of a new clutch which they can’t afford to replace. These are the true car connoisseurs. They are like the difference between those who drink posh wines because their posh friends are watching to those who sample posh wines in a appreciative manner, in order to grasp the emotional sensations that fine wine has to offer. God, that’s a rubbish analogy, but you know what I mean.

I had to get all this living-with-a-Lambo stuff out of the way, because tomorrow, I will have to get into harsh critic mode and take it out to a test track to do some serious driving. Stay tuned for my next report if I’m still alive by then.

The Pros and Cons of a Reliable Lamborghini

The guy from Lamborghini was as German as Spaten Optimator. As German as a gasthaus. As German as a Kunstmuseum. But he was also a diplomatic, sleek, polite European-Unionized German. His name was Franz, and he reminded me a bit of Captain Von Trapp from the Sound of Music, but sans the whistle, the British accent, and Austrian sentiment. Franz was incredibly smug about his job and his product, but never crossed the line into rudeness like a Frenchman would. He made every w sound like a v, and was astoundingly methodical in his choice of words. He gesticulated very little, and if he did, it was usually pointing to something on or in the Lambo. This had me stratospherically uncomfortable.

I remember the first time I drove a Lamborghini, and it was at a Lamborghini press event back in the days when Lambos were made 100% by chaps named Vittorio and Antonio who drank olive oil for lunch and wine for dinner. The Lamborghini was a machine built with (cliche alert) passion and soul rather than engineering and precision. The fact that old Lamborghinis were, in essence, beautifully-constructed buckets of brittle, breakable bolts didn’t mean a thing. What mattered was that when you saw one, you would wildly gesture in an Italian way that meant, “Bello! Fantastico!” Old Lamborghinis were senseless, mindless, insane pieces of metallic magnificence.

When I first tried to drive a Countach at the press event, all I remembered was that the clutch pedal felt like I was attempting to manually pile drive a pylon into solid granite with my left leg. The brakes also felt as useful as a lawn mower in Antarctica. It was one of the hardest, most uncomfortable cars I had ever driven, yet I loved every ridiculous minute of it. The press liaison at that event was an ecstatic man named Chazz, who did not once talk about gearboxes, brake discs, or aerodynamics. All he talked about was “power,” “beautiful,” and “Automobili Lamborghini.”

If Chazz was at the north pole, Franz was at the south. I was standing in front of an anthracite-grey Gallardo LP560-4, and all ze German could talk zabout was za new fuel injection system that he attempted to say in Italian- “Iniezione Diretta Stratificata.” He also tried to pronounce the name of the engine position, but it ended up sounding like he was trying to clear his sinuses. Franz said not a word about the incredible, radical design of the new Gallardo, or anything related to aesthetics.

Maybe that’s because there was frankly not much to talk about. The LP560-4 was styled by a non-Italian under the watchful eye of the Audi mothership. The engine is also a direct derivative of the V10 Audi put in the new RS6, and all the interior fixtures come straight from the A8 sedan. The interior actually feels like you are in a car. A working, reliable car. It’s complete BS.

Franz could not see me waving the BS flag as he described the new, quicker E-Gear system, and I guess that’s a good thing. That’s because I had just agreed to take in hand this particular LP560-4 for an entire week to see if, in fact, Volkswagen Group have turned Lamborghinis into cars you can actually drive every day. I would be living with a Lamborghini. My esteemed Editor, out of pure, unbridled spite, commandeered my own car, and left my garage at home empty. I would be restricted from any other sort of transportation other than the LP560-4. It would be the only way to move about.

So the idea that Audi has turned Lamborghini into workable vehicles was a bittersweet thought. Sure, I would need air conditioning, because air con is one automotive luxury I require. But I hoped to God it would break in spectacular fashion, just so I could laugh in Franz’s face and say, “Ah-HA! You have not taken away Lamborghini’s soul! They still break! They still don’t work! You’ve FAILED, good German! Your precision engineering and totalitarian quality control is no match for zesty Italian disorganization!”

When I drove away from the dealership, all hopes of uttering those epic lines vanished completely. I felt like I was in the R8, but with a little more noise. I had too much visibility, too much ride comfort, and the air conditioner was too cold. It felt stratospherically comfortable on the motorway, and I felt myself wanting to cruise on past my exit- cruise in a Lamborghini? Since when do you want to go on a long-distance driving holiday in a fire-breathing, mid-engined Italian stallion?! Nothing makes sense anymore!

This practicality dampened what should have been a monstrously inconsistent, difficult, uncomfortably stiff experience. Yet I secretly thanked Audi for what they had done to Lamborghini. You see, it’s the 21st century, and technology is expected to make life easier. If you are a hedge-fund manager who has sausages for hands and could care less about the 4 in LP560-4, yet needs a car that makes you look like your gross income personified (or in the Gallardo’s case a Bond villain), Lambo’s got a car for you. Gone are the days when Lamborghini made cars that could only be appreciated by childish petrolheads. Today, you can buy a Lamborghini and have that wild, crazy noise and aggressive styling without paying the price of practicality. In theory, it’s brilliant.

The new Gallardo LP560-4 is a perfect example of this brilliance. The designers took a few juicy chunks of Reventon and applied them to the bargain Lambo, making it look less car and more stealth fighter. That’s perfect if you’re 8 years old at heart, like me. Sure, it’s not as outlandish and mad as the Reventon, but the minimalist overtones and faintly-arched lines pleasantly distinguish the Gallardo from its mad, angular million-Euro big brother. However, this car is not “minimalist” in the ABC-Art sense. It is minimalist in that there are no excess lines or creases, and every inch of its surface is refined to German-calibre perfection. It’s sweeping, aeronautical Italian Futurism and Ludwig Mies van der Rohe all at the same time. This unholy union of German refinement and Italian mania is fantastically odd.

The interior is a completely different story. It’s nearly identical to the old Gallardo, which is rather disappointing when you think about it. Lamborghini gave it such a refreshing facelift, but on the inside, it’s still as sensible and boring as a Zurich bus terminal. I wanted to see something shining that was not carbon fibre. Maybe some neon lights, or glow-in-the-dark paddle shifters, or that fantastic LCD panel from the Reventon that makes your speedometer and tachometer look like gauges from some top-secret Skunkworks concept craft. At least something other than a fuzzy foam steering wheel and a satnav from an A8.

I thought about all of this as I (cringe)…. cruised along, and decided to stop by an In-and-Out to measure some public reaction to the car. That’s usually the most reliable test as to any supercar’s goodness. This particular burger joint had a very steep rise at the end of its driveway, so I employed the stupidly practical hydraulic front-end lift and avoided the kerb. Honestly, how drivable can this thing get?

At once, several saucer-eyed 8-year old Ridleys and Madisons and bewildered soccer moms came up to the car to take a look. The kids loved the headlamps; the mums asked how much space the boot had. Suddenly, I discovered one last bit of impracticality, because the boot in the front end was big enough for about a single sock. A-HA! Yes, the Germans couldn’t fix that! The kids were not impressed by the size of the boot, so I revved the engine, and severe cases of permagrin suddenly flared up. The soccer moms reacted by frowning and putting an arm across their children’s chests, motioning them to stand back. ….As if the Gallardo would spawn a teeth-filled maw and gobble them up. Hey, there’s enough Decepticon in this thing to scare anybody.

American Motorist Stereotypeing 101

One of the infinite number of major issues facing the candidates in this 2008 election year is that of satisfying octogenarians who (1) vote and (2) demand pensions to pay for their monthly Metamucil bill. Like it or not, chaps named “Bill” and “Merv” and gals named “Myrtle” and “Marge” represent a massive voting block that the candidates better not ignore if they fear for their lives. Forget the African-American vote, forget the woman’s vote, forget any other vote: the senior citizen vote really counts.

Maybe I’m saying this because I live in the international hub of Perkin’s restaurants and funeral homes. I live in central Florida, famously known around the world as “Where America Goes To Die.” Sprawling 55+ housing developments with bocce courts and bowling alleys are a dime a dozen. If you have ever seen that Ron Howard movie Cocoon, then you know exactly which demographic I live amongst.

This has its perks and its cons. One of the perks is the superb network of authentic, shave-and-a-haircut barber shops where a man can talk about sports and politics with a guy named “Bob,” and not talk about hair products with a bloke named “Marcus” who likes to unbutton his shirt more than once. Another perk is the vast network of superb Italian eateries helmed by fast-talkin’ guys from New Jersey who pronounced New York as “New Yohrk”.

Yet the downsides of living here in AARPville generally outnumber the perks. The greatest downside by a mile is driving around here. Driving in Central Florida makes driving through the center of New Dehli look like a track day at Silverstone. No Floridian asphalt is sacred. Why is it so bad?

It is bad because, as a result of octogenarian motorists, traffic moves at a catastrophically slow and uneven pace. This conflicts violently with normal motorists who actually attempt to go the limit, and these radical differences in speed are incredibly dangerous. When one is attempting to merge onto a 70mph highway behind an early 90’s Buick Park Avenue doing 40mph, you immediately envision yourself neatly compressed on the front grill of a Peterbilt.

Frankly, if the people who consider themselves responsible for the safety of American motorists really wanted to cut down on the number of traffic fatalities, they should revoke the licenses of all those over the age of 80. Japan has already taken a less straightforward approach by offering the elderly cash incentives if they hand over their licenses. Unfortunately, Florida is light-years behind the current watershed of societal evolution, so such a brilliant idea would materialize down here as quickly as a mountain range.

Before I go anything further, I think it would be prudent to say I have enormous respect for those who have been on the planet longer than me. Some of the wittiest sound bites in the history of the spoken word have been told to me by old geezers. A classic was said after I questioned a chap about his broken headlamp. His response: “Well, this idiot in front of me wasn’t moving, so I gave him a push…” I know numerous retirees who are as sharp as tacks, and actually understand me when I talk. They actually drive Audis and Ford Edges, and realize that Gregory Peck has been dead for some time. But even they have no way of lightening the mood on a Floridian boulevard.

All this stink about hellish driving got me thinking about the different demographics of American motorist. Down here in the Sunshine State, there are mainly two groups that really stand out on the roads. There are the senior citizens trundling along in their Mercury Grand Marquis, and then there are Latinos pounding and bashing about in their matte-black Honda Civics with tinted windows and rims the size of a ferris wheel. This makes for a brutal combination. Sometimes you will get into a wreck on account of someone listening to Perry Como, and the next time it would be on account of Oye Coma Va. It’s unsavory.

Up north, in jolly olde New England, the drivers are maniacal, bastardly, and extraordinarily talented at being dexterously reckless. If I might use a nerd’s term: You can get easily “pwned” driving in places like Boston. Yet it is a fun and refreshing place to drive, because even though the motoring is dangerous and insane, you can succeed at it by just staying alert and waving a Patriots or Red Sox flag out your window. Apparently, Massachusetts is one of the few states that actually teaches driving students to give the middle finger as part of a complete driver’s education.

Next, it’s the deep fried South, where the main danger of motoring comes from gentlemen in early 80’s Ford and Chevy pickups with about 45 feet of ground clearance and a proud decal of the Stars and Bars on the rear window. These drivers will ignore your existence, except if you are driving something other than a pickup truck. In that case, you will probably have your first experience at seeing the Second Amendment in practice. If you ever happen to find yourself trapped in Georgia in a pink Toyota Yaris with a rainbow bumper sticker, I would suggest you purchase some Kevlar and then use as much of the trio of cylinders as possible to get to a major metropolitan area.

Then there’s California, where the traffic jam usually compensates for any high-speed danger that might be present. Of course, the only high-speed danger really ever present in California is the possibility of being in the path of a hijacked Cutlass or Escalade which has suddenly become the land rocket of choice for machine-gun toting joy-riders. In fact, most local television stations have specific time slots in the mornings and evenings which are dedicated to broadcasting the latest live car chase happening in the south of California at that moment. They are never wanton for content.

While most of these regions are particularly famous for certain aspects of dangerous motoring, the dangers of American tarmac can be summed up in the fact that America is a spicy and rich melting pot full of the best and worst of world motorists. We really do not have a definite driving style; the American motorist can be anybody. The Land of Opportunity is also the Land Where Anyone Can Drive. While this is obviously not a very comforting thought, it does mean that driving in this glorious country of ours is never ever boring. God Bless America.

Bangalore and Air Conditioning: A Ferrari Across India, Part III

Driving a Ferrari in India is a somewhat obtuse experience. Normally, the average petrolhead would fantasize about thrashing a Ferrari on curvy corniches overlooking Monte Carlo in the morning, then spending the afternoon daftly cruising down shiny streets lined with stores with weird, two-syllable names like “Gucci” and “Prada.” However, I have been doing something the last few days that is virtually the opposite.

I’ve been chucking around a Ferrari 612 Scaglietti in the hills and on the coasts of southeastern India, on the way to Bangalore, in Ferrari’s Magic India Discovery PR event. As I’ve elaborated in the last couple posts, I have a love-hate relationship with Ferrari at the moment. Their car is amazing, yet their choice for a destination had stumped me for quite some time. India?

Nevertheless, after a good many hours behind the wheel trekking across, around, through, over and under all aspects of Indian landscape, I can say with confidence this has been a nice holiday. Any long-distance journey in a Ferrari is, by law, to be considered a “nice holiday.” It would be an act of unspeakable ingratitude to call a road trip in a Ferrari “boring” or “stupid.” In fact, anybody who does should be forced to sit on a bed of nails.

Yet I have enjoyed my journey for one strange reason that, under sane circumstances, should have been completely irrelevant. Ever since I took the wheel of the 612, I have been enamored with the absolute brilliance of…..the air conditioning. All the technological and futuristic wonders of the 612 are subtly eclipsed by its ability to keep the cabin at a comfortable, dry 20 degrees. By the simple fact its air con worked perfectly the entire trip should make any Ferrari marketing boffin beam with pride. I’m being dreadfully honest when I say that 540 horsepower, the F1 flappy-paddle gearbox, and all the supposed technological superiority Enrique the Mechanic had been babbling on to me about really made no impact on me. What made a definite impact on my squishy journalist brain was the fantastic cooler.

This really took me off guard. I sincerely expected the air con to blip ‘n fritz at least once on the trip. Ferrari air conditioners have traditionally been as useful as kitchen appliances with names like “The Magic Oven,” and about as reliable as a war run by Lyndon Johnson. But the 612’s unit never skipped a degree. It was as if it were pulled from a German saloon.

I just thought that deserved some attention. Of course, my enjoyment was definitely helped along by that classic Ferrari magic where everything that makes a Ferrari distinctive comes together and gives you a slightly orgasmic experience.

When we finally reached Bangalore, I was shocked at the rough modernity of the city, and how technologic advancement and regression were in violent collision. This city is often called the “Silicon Valley of India,” however, one drive down a secondary street reveals more rickshaws than cars, and sometimes curbs and sidewalks are still made of dirt and gravel. Our convoy seemed blissfully unaware of such phenomenon as we zipped from fresh, new Shell petrol stations to scenic temples which resembled overly-detailed wedding cakes. That sort of seemed like the routine throughout the whole trip. Apparently, part of magically discovering India is to magically discover its growing chain of curiously clean and modern Shell stations.

The Ferrari grandees who were running the event insisted that us nervous, culture-shocked journalists engage in hands-on, cultural experiences, such as Hindu ceremonies, dressing in Hindu garb, and getting that red dot put on your forehead. I decided to retain the air of Phileas Fogg and simply, respectfully observe these cultural proceedings with politeness, a button-up shirt, and a notepad. On no account of any sort of xenophobia, I made the conscious decision to focus my assignment on the car instead of the culture. The culture did help the trip stay colorful and adventurous, but my job was to write about complicated differentials and ride comfort, not saris and sitars.

When we reached Bangalore, and had to bid farewell to the 612 and my Ferrari friends, I received a communicade from my respectable Editor saying he had made a contact in the city whom I was to meet for dinner. A major executive of one of the many information technology companies in Bangalore had agreed to be my guide in strange places. Personally, I always enjoy meeting a local; it helps my journalistic integrity when covering a foreign country. Yes, it’s true: I care.

My contact was a gentleman who shall remain nameless. For now, we shall call him R. R was a modern Indian businessman: middle-aged, in an authentic Italian suit, perfectly-trimmed hair, high forehead sans the red dot, and comfortably reposed in his maroon Mercedes S-Class. He ran a company in Bangalore which manufactured computer parts for a surprisingly large number of US and European companies. He also had a significant share in Kingfisher Airlines, the infamous company whose boss currently owns a less-than-stellar Formula One racing team, plus a few more billion-dollar baubles. R, however, is not a billionaire. Unfortunately, he has only reached the unflattering title of “millionaire,” the likes of which take up only 10,000 of Bangalore’s population. He has only a couple homes abroad, compared to some of his compadres, who have a few dozen. Nevertheless, R considers himself prosperous, and exemplary of India’s economic boom. He gets no argument from me.

Dinner was at a small, fine-dining Italian restaurant that served Italian food rivaling the best Italian food in bluddy Italy itself. After victuals, R took me around the boomtown district, with its architectural wonders of glass, concrete, and communication antennas. He explained that the appeal of India to growing IT corporations is not just its cheap production costs but its people, who are more open to international business than, say, the communist Chinese (a debatable statement), and the mullahs of the Middle East who still sanction business in order for it to align with their religious beliefs. In India, no such ridiculous scruples exist, said R. India greets international business with open arms.

And once again, I was way over my head. Must I remind you that my sorry excuse for a journalistic brain is only programmed to digest information associated with the words “car” and “cars”?

On my way home, I wrangled with all the stimulus I had received in the last week. It was monumental. Yet after the dust settled, I could only truly remember one thing: the 612 Scaglietti. The car, the car, the car. The reason why I made the journey to begin with. It had been my friend and companion, the only sense of familiarity in a beautiful if strange country. It had developed a personality, and we became like Laurel and Hardy. Maverick and Iceman. Hillary and Norgay. Fogg and Passepartout. It was brilliant; a transcendental experience. Cheers to you, Ferrari, for making such an extraordinary machine.